Thursday, 11 November 2010

Price of admission

I've had a few revelations recently, and been forced to admit to a few things. Which is a good thing really. You can only ignore things for so long before they bite you on the arse...hard. There's always that fear though. What will other people think? If I admit to that I'm admitting that I'm weak etc etc. For me this has been quite difficult and somewhat hipocrytical. Firstly I don't care what people think. Never have and never will. Secondly, I know I'm weak. We all are in different ways, just like we are all strong in certain aspects. So what the hell was I afraid of?

I think my biggest problem is honesty. I'm not a liar as such, but I have a really bad habit of misleading people. I act friendly to people I can't stand, I say I'm fine when I'm far from it and I act like a descent social chap. I'm really not. As I've mentioned before, I really don't like myself, and I suppose it's time to get into all that bollocks. Those closest to me will know that I suffered from anger issues, and that I sorted myself out and don't lose my temper anymore. I got my head to a place where I'm not even sure I can lose it, but I'm angry. Deep inside I'm always angry. It's actually a rather odd feeling, everyone and everything starts to become a mild annoyance. Yet I can calmly look in at the anger, and then just get on with things.

Next on the list is depression, and sundries. I personally would class my depression as perfectly normal, and understandable, for someone who's gone through the shit I have and leads the life I do. There are a few other things mixed in that scare the shit out of me though. I have suicidal thoughts almost constantly. From my early teens, every day and in most of my dreams. Don't send for the Samaritans just yet, letr me explain. The suicidal thoughts don't feel like they come from a depressed place. Even at my happiest they are still there. They are just there, not a way of escaping anything. I see a high bridge and I idly wonder what it'd feel like to jump off. Waiting at pedestrian crossings, I randomly get urges to step in from of cars. Let me make it clear at this point. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. There is way too many fun and interesting things in the world to miss out on. I saw a documentary on Tourettes a few years ago, and apparently there is a type 2 Tourettes which is distinguished by random and unemotional urges of suicide. This fit the bill so much it scared the crap out of me, so much so that I've never had the guts to see a Doc about it.

My latest self discovery is something you've probably never heard of. Trichotillomania is an obsessive compulsion to pull out your own hair. For quite a number of years I've had a nervous habit, when I'm stressed or bored mainly, of plucking hair. During bad spells I grow my beard and concentrate on my chin so I don't end up bald. I've made excuses over the years, from singing my eyebrows during one of my misadventures, to not being able to shave due to sensitive skin. Well truth time, I grow my beard on purpose so I can pull out the hair. I have Trichotillomania, I am a Trichster. I joined a fantastic support group this week, and have been finding out some rather interesting things. The one that really caught my eye was the link between Trich, ADD, OCD and Tourettes. You see I've always been a touch hyper, Boredom kills me. When I'm online I'm also playing games on Facebook and have a game going on the xbox. Add to that the Tourettes link. If I do indeed have type 2 like I suspect, then it all makes sense.

All in all it has been a bit of a scarey week for me, thinking about all my serious defects. It's amazing the releif I felt when I joined the Trich support group, and not only did they understand about the hair pulling but many of the others share my other quirks. Seems that maybe I'm really not the complete dick I thought I was, the other Trichsters are the same as me and they are all loverly.

The first step to recovery is admitting to yourself that you have a problem, that has never been an issue. The second step is admitting those problems to the people you care about. That has kind of been what this whole post is about. Certain important people have access to this blog, and can read it anytime. Whether or not I have the guts to discuss my issues with them face to face is another story. One step at a time. I do feel like I've made progress though, but I'm still a dick.

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