Wednesday, 11 May 2011

I'm finding it hard to stay mildly enthusiastic about anything these days. I can't be arsed with social networking sites, games, TV, movies or even breathing any more. I've talked about depression before, and I know that's all it is....but it feels different. I feel a level of apathy towards everything that feels sensible, logical even.

The country is going down the pan, and we send billions out to other countries only for another disaster to happen. Hospitals can't afford staff or medication. Schools can't afford teachers, and I can't afford fuel to get anywhere to cheer myself up...including the doctors. So what's the fucking point?

I've been fighting an enormous urge to blow every penny I have and just fuck off into the sunset, never to be heard of again. We delude ourselves about life and freedom. How many of us can truly do what we want when we want? Ever missed a party because you had work the next morning? Can't sod off for the weekend because there's no-one to walk the dog? Sorry can't go to that festival, have to pay the mortgage?

In a way it makes sense that we romanticise cowboys, Victorian explorers, Alexander Supertramp and Dr Geebers (if you've never heard of the last two I strongly suggest looking them up). They had adventures and weren't tied down by Ikea and managers. They had the freedom that is yearned for in all our psyches.

Maybe that's what's really wrong with me. I'm a caged animal. A dolphin in a fish tank. I need some space to run around and frolic for a while, perhaps we all do. So I guess it comes down to blowing my brains out or breaking out of my rusty cage. I know what sounds more fun. Somewhere out there is a beach, and a sunrise, with my name on it.

If only.

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Bang goes that theory

Well it's been a while, and for good reason.

Firstly Almighty D and Mrs D renewed their vows in spectacular fashion. Medieval theme and shit loads of snow. Half the guests couldn't make it, and those that did had trouble thawing out our huskies for the trip home.

Then the old git kicked the bucket. It was hard to be suitable mournful and interested at the funeral, which was also held during the blizzards. I had expected to feel something, not loss or sadness of course, but something. Nada. I must say he led one hell of a life, one which ordinarily would inspire admiration if it hadn't involved him. Since the snow my Gran has been alive for the first time in my eyes. I had glimpse her true self once before, drunk and dancing on the table to South African songs....on a school night! I've never seen her happier, which is sad really in a way.

Shit comes and shit goes, another year passes and another birthday is morned. I've definitely had good birthdays before, I remember them. In general though the whole January/February period is one of melancholy and depression. Helped along by bad health, I pulled back under my blanket and pretended the world didn't exist. Unfortunately this gets on certain peoples nerves, and rightly so. It's selfish and self indulgent crap. My friends, or should I say those that know me the best, accept this as a personality quirk. They know I'll be back. They shouldn't have to wait, and wonder, but the odd absence has got to be better than just blowing my brains out.

Finally some good news turns up. The Boy moves North to live with Almighty D (his Dad) for a while. The story there is long, complicated and none of your fucking business anyway. Lets just say it's a good thing. The Boy turns out to be a really cool guy to hang around with and all are happy, as they should be. Except Almighty D who now lives in paranoid fear that The Boy doesn't like him. I think I'm going to start carrying around a large damp trout to slap people with when they're being daft. Almighty D will be smelling of trout 24/7.

All in all, I thought 2011 was going to be a good year. Now I know we're not even half way through yet, and some good stuff has happened, but it ain't looking good on the whole. My recovering finances took a kick in the crotch when my car and laptop broke at the same time, health is as shitty as ever and future prospects of every kind are quickly disappearing.

Sometimes life just sucks, but that's OK because sometimes it doesn't. You just have to wait for it to stop sucking.