Sunday, 13 July 2014

And then nothing happened

One of the major problems with writing a blog when you have a chronic illness, is that you often have massive chunks of your life where nothing happens.
And worst still, is that you can't bring yourself to make shit up, because really your whole world has become a non-existent void. 

Sure you could attempt to educate and inform whatever passing inter-webber happens upon your page, to the daily slog of just being alive. But that is a big, and massively depressing, subject to tackle. 
Of course there are plenty of people who manage just that task, with better grace and far fewer swears than me. 

So if they can do it, why can't I?
Well you have to know one very important thing about me.
My brain is fuelled by boobs and sexually propositioning inanimate objects. Er i should say not in a weird "That guy's a pervert" kind of way, it's just how my brain gets it's giggles. 
Which means, sadly, if I'm not in the mood to make dick jokes or shamelessly flirt with a talking elevator, then my brain simply refuses to come up with anything else to say.

Over the last 2 years my health has been particularly shitty, and my brain fucked off and left me. I've been virtually housebound, my on line presence dwindled to nothingness and I became a non-person. 
Sure that's terrible and at least one person out there is going to feel bad for me, it's just the way my life has ended up. The worst part, the bit that sucks the most without a doubt, has been the lack adult humour. 

So for the love of Batman, will some-one tell me a boobie joke

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

To the dark side and back

I recently had an interesting experience with alcohol, and not the good kind of interesting. You see deep down, well not that deep down, I'm an arsehole. Add a shit load of mostly Tequila and I become a complete dick.

Overall I had a good time, and so did those around me, but i couldn't stop myself from being a dick. There was a guy there being a complete and utter sleaze, and I found myself planning his murder. While I'm sure most people have had similar fantasies, I was quietly collecting the items I would need...which needless to say wasn't good. Of course I didn't go through with my plans, even though he was giving a particularly hard time to someone i care a great deal about.

Then I did something a little stupid, which I'm quite ashamed of really. I hid a note professing my love for someone I really shouldn't. Regret set in and my Tequila fuelled mind wandered off to where it usually goes when I've drank too much. I've always had this fantasy of disappearing, of walking off into the night and never been seen again. No-one notices and the world is a better place.

The guilt of my previous thoughts and actions lead my imagination to assembling notes for all those I care about, planning my suicide and wondering if being the first martyred bomber against a terrorist would be a suitably ironic death.

At this point the really stupid part of my brain kicked in and I imagined all suicide bombers to be tanked on Mexico's finest, and if the U.N. would just go to war on Tequila then the world would be a happier place.

I guess we all have to take the consequences of our actions, have some self control and run when there's Tequila on offer

Monday, 18 June 2012

Out of gas

Don't you hate it when life stalls on you?

Both Almighty D and myself have been suffering worse health recently, which has put SurvivalBox on hold for the moment. I'm having trouble writing due to lack of motivation and my new paint shed hasn't built itself yet.

Life in general seems to be on hold. Nothing of interest, nothing of romance, nothing of anything really. Which sucks, but also leaves a lot of time to think.

Why is life so complicated? As civilisation progresses, we make things more and more ridiculous to keep track of. Sub-cultures pop up every day, fashions change, labels get re-labelled. Children lose their innocence younger, but grow up later. We watch faked reality tv shows and apparently everything is out to kill us.

And yet somehow we thrive. The human race takes it all in and asks "What's next?"

My life has stalled, stuck in bed alone feeling like crap yet again....but what's next?
Will I feel better tomorrow? Will they find a cure? Will I meet someone special? Am I actually going to be a success at anything I do? What will my next big adventure be?

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to find out.

Saturday, 14 April 2012

Two Idiots and the Internet part 2

I've set up the blog side of the project
which is currently named In Case of Emergency.
As soon as we've finished the first vid I will be setting up a YouTube channel and linking both here and there.
We are also working on a product line which will be on a made to order system to start with, and probably as daft as the vids.
More information on both closer to time of release.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Two idiots and the internet

So quite a long time ago, Almighty D and myself kicked around an idea. For an even longer time people have been almost literally pissing themselves laughing at our rants and idiotic conversations, and The Boy wanted a recording to prove to his friends just how daft we are.
Now it should be said that we didn't actually know we were being funny, quite often we were serious indeed.
So anyway, Almighty D looked at his camcorder, looked at me, then at the camcorder, back to me and said "Did you just fart?"
After a lengthy conversation about the intricacies of farting, we had an idea.
We were going to do a vlog/web series of our rants and debates. We'd invite a random person to each episode and provide a topic. Then we'd ignore the topic and talk bollocks for ten minutes or so.
We'll probably start with a few stories of our past. Usually starting with "This one time Almighty D and I.." and ending with something on fire.
So check back soon and we'll have a YouTube channel up and running as well as blog somewhere on the interwebs.

Saturday, 10 September 2011

When gummy bears attack!

Now I'm sure most people have had the odd close call with death, I know i certainly have. Usually we pay no lasting attention to the bus that almost hit us, the fall from the tree that could have gone badly wrong but didn't.

In my life I have fallen from trees, been attacked by birds and had to leap from the roof I happened to be standing on at the time. Almighty D has contrived to blow me up in several interesting ways with fireworks and American muscle cars and many other near misses. Today, however, Death himself looked me square in the eyes and just took the piss. Most people, if given the choice, would opt for a heroic death. Hypothermia on top of Everest, fighting terrorists, pushing a child out of the way of a speeding car or ever saving kittens from a malicious ball of wool.

Being a bit of a romantic, I would happily settle for any of the above......but choking on a fucking gummy bear is just plain pathetic.

It was my own fault really, it was Raspberry flavour and I know the evil ways of Raspberry. I should have rejected the temptations of it's sumptuous red colour. I should have remembered that it is the darkness to Strawberry's light. But no. Like all children everywhere and disgusting objects, I popped it in my mouth and hoped for the best.

Will I ever learn?

Eventually I managed to cough up the confectionery assassin and gasped the air like my life depended on it, which as it turns out it did. Finally able to breath again, I looked down at the half chewed gummy bastard. He looked up at me with his one remaining eye and a smirk on his gummy face which said "You're my bitch and you know it."

Moral of the story: If something wants to kill you, don't put it in your mouth.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Batshit crazy

I think the headline says it all.
Some poor kid gets in a bad situation and gets shot by the police, next thing chaos. The streets of London, Birmingham and Manchester are now on fire and looters are everywhere.

What I want to know is how does a call for justice turn into looting and riots? Do these people honestly think that acting like this helps? Or are they just scum looking for a fight regardless of the reason?

I strongly suspect it's the latter, especially considering the looting started before the rioting.

If this is the way the world is going, then injury compensation adverts are going to very different in the near future.

Had a trip or fall? Been in an accident that wasn't your fault? looking for compensation you rightly deserve? Then set your neighbours car on fire and go on a shoplifting spree.

Seriously, what the fuck? These people obviously can't be trusted in modern society. Are they such lemmings that one person happened to be stealing something at a stressful time and they couldn't help but join in?

In my humble opinion, when all this lunacy calms down and most of them have been caught, they should be court ordered to wear adult nappies and a jacket which says "Fuck-tard" on the back.

When you look at all the good in the world, you see how much life is worth living. Then you realize all the good is a grain of sand to the planet sized bad in the world and you start thinking "Roll on the Apocalypse".

While reading the news reports, and writing this, I had an interesting idea. We should take the worst criminals (rapists and murderers etc) as well as continuous repeat offenders, and give them all lobotomies. Then make them clean streets or whatever. We're always hearing about prisoner rights, which I find a bit odd. I've always had, and always will have, the belief that if you choose to break the law then you're choosing to give up any and all rights. Make prison a punishment like it should be. Make them shit in a bucket, force them to work and force them to watch the tellitubbies if that's what it takes.