Saturday, 10 September 2011

When gummy bears attack!

Now I'm sure most people have had the odd close call with death, I know i certainly have. Usually we pay no lasting attention to the bus that almost hit us, the fall from the tree that could have gone badly wrong but didn't.

In my life I have fallen from trees, been attacked by birds and had to leap from the roof I happened to be standing on at the time. Almighty D has contrived to blow me up in several interesting ways with fireworks and American muscle cars and many other near misses. Today, however, Death himself looked me square in the eyes and just took the piss. Most people, if given the choice, would opt for a heroic death. Hypothermia on top of Everest, fighting terrorists, pushing a child out of the way of a speeding car or ever saving kittens from a malicious ball of wool.

Being a bit of a romantic, I would happily settle for any of the above......but choking on a fucking gummy bear is just plain pathetic.

It was my own fault really, it was Raspberry flavour and I know the evil ways of Raspberry. I should have rejected the temptations of it's sumptuous red colour. I should have remembered that it is the darkness to Strawberry's light. But no. Like all children everywhere and disgusting objects, I popped it in my mouth and hoped for the best.

Will I ever learn?

Eventually I managed to cough up the confectionery assassin and gasped the air like my life depended on it, which as it turns out it did. Finally able to breath again, I looked down at the half chewed gummy bastard. He looked up at me with his one remaining eye and a smirk on his gummy face which said "You're my bitch and you know it."

Moral of the story: If something wants to kill you, don't put it in your mouth.

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