Tuesday, 31 August 2010

What is love? other than the crap song from the early 90's

Love is a strange and downright vindictive bastard. You see you catch the love, then you get screwed. There are many forms to this twist of the knife, all as perverse as the next.

First we have the hidden nutjob. For some reason this keeps happening to me. You meet a wonderful person, and they like you back. You spend time getting to know them and you catch the love. then bam! they turn into psycho bunny boilers. it's best to head for the hills and change your name in this case.

Secondly there is the "oh I've changed my mind, i actually love someone else". This has only happened to me twice, and it comes with the mother of all mindfucks. you see you can't forget them, ever. they stay in your heart, and as much as they hurt you, you still love them and always will. the bitches.

Next of course are the ones you come to realise you love as a friend and nothing more. this comes with unique difficulties. You care about this person, they have become your best friend...you just don't want to be their boyfriend. how can you break your best friends' heart? if you're lucky, and i mean really fucking lucky, then you can let them down gently. I'm not lucky, i have the unfortunate rep of being a twat. I'd like to think I'm not, I'm just crap at doing things the right way.

The last type, is a killer. one i know all too well. unrequited love. you meet someone, someone who dazzles you. just knowing they exist makes your life better. you get lost in their eyes, their smile is all you need to survive. everything about them, mind body and soul, calls out to you. pulls you in. traps you.
the bitch of the situation is that the object of your love barely sees you as a man. you're a vague acquaintance, a friend or worse. and yet you know what you should do. you should take them in your arms, make their dreams come true. show them just how special they are, and with every part of your being you want to make them happy. make them smile, rock their world like they rocked yours.
you have 2 choices here, make a move or say nothing. now i firmly believe that nothing ventured is nothing gained, but i also know myself. so i choose to do nothing. i know in my heart that they wouldn't be happy with me, and their happiness is my only purpose in life. so i step back, do nothing. i be their friend, support them and try to bring happiness to their life.....just to watch them......just to watch her look for love elsewhere. you sacrifice it all for them. your own happiness, your own soul, and even though you start dying inside you smile. you know she is worth it, you can rest in peace seeing her happy.

i have had the pleasure and misfortune to experience all forms of love except the one we are all looking for. pure, all consuming true love. maybe I'll never find it, maybe i had it and fucked it up. maybe the all consuming love from afar is as close as I'll get. so she never knows that she owns me, so what? that's not the point of love. the point of love is to feel it, to give all you love selflessly.

then again there's a lot to be said about a long slow snog and a cuddle ;)

Monday, 30 August 2010

Not the Dada

A few years ago I had a rater lovely, and naughty, weekend with a rather lovely lady friend. For various reasons, some beyond my control and some just plainly my own fault, we parted ways for 3 years.
I was pleasantly surprised to get back in contact with her. Her life is going well, 2 kids and back on track with her hubby. Her kids are gorgeous and she has big plans for her future, so naturally i was well chuffed for her....then my brain had a spaz attack.
You see it was a touch over3 years ago when i had the pleasure of her affections, and her eldest is nearly 3.....now my maths isn't great and i can be pretty slow at times, but that sounds like a gap resembling pregnancy.

probably now is a good time to say i love kids, my life simply will never be complete till I'm a dad. so naturally it was mental meltdown time. one the one hand, my dreams could have come true. on the other yet another person gets the pleasure while i sit and watch on the sidelines. Now me being me, i start to convince myself that i must be the daddy. i got myself quite upset that she hadn't told me, that i may have missed out on nearly 3 years. i built up the courage and asked.

when i received the answer i wasn't ready for my reaction. i was off the hook, yet i felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest and ripped out my heart. someone had stolen a daughter from me. how does anyone come back from that?

it took me a few hours before the perverted part of my brain got back from it's weekend away. you see the lady in question was on a trial separation from her hubby, and had been for over a month when we nekkid together. as it turns out she was just about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant at the time. my pervert brain put 2 and 2 together and came up with sex. "hang on, we did a pregnant chick? coooooool"
now that's not a thought I'm proud of, but fuck it, it's something to tick off on the list. then pervert brain had another thought "we still get to knock someone up". this thought, as crass as it was delivered, was a much nicer one. i get to fall in love, create a life, and not screw it up.....er well try not to anyway.

i realise now that i still have that dream, that goal, to look forward to. and if I'm really lucky, i might even get paid to eat chocolate one day.