There have been times in my life when I really don't understand what the point is. You see I know I'm an arsehole, if I was someone else I wouldn't be friends with me. There are many things I enjoy doing, but I can no longer do them. I suffer from almost crippling loneliness, yet I don't particularly like other people. People annoy me, especially people I actually like. So to save the friendship, I disappear for a while. I ration out my time with those I want in my life. But I get comfortable being alone. I enjoy the solitude, the raging silence in my head.
What is it that makes us need company? Why are we so dependant on social contact?
I have a theory, so brace yourselves.
Whatever we think of ourselves is almost always wrong. Think you're fat? probably wrong. Think you're intelligent? Almost certainly wrong. So we need other people's opinions to tell us who and what we are. Sure there are going to be times when they bend the truth to save our feelings "no of course you don't look fat in that dress honey!" is a classic, but if enough people are telling you the same thing...well it's probably true, no matter what you think.
Which brings up a rather interesting question. Why can we be more honest about other people than we can about ourselves? OK, so no-one wants to think of themselves as a fat arsehole with a tiny I.Q. but surely acknowledging your faults is the first step to fixing them?
What do you do when you can't fix the faults? When you like them, when you like being an arsehole? What do you do when people keep wanting to be your friend, or worse, and all you want to do is tell them to fuck off? Answers on a postcard.
I suppose this rant was started by someone trying to be nice and said I'd make a good husband for someone one day. No, no I won't. I don't even make a good human being at times. I'm an arsehole, I'm broken, but I like it that way. It's far more interesting.
Saturday, 4 September 2010
Tuesday, 31 August 2010
What is love? other than the crap song from the early 90's
Love is a strange and downright vindictive bastard. You see you catch the love, then you get screwed. There are many forms to this twist of the knife, all as perverse as the next.
First we have the hidden nutjob. For some reason this keeps happening to me. You meet a wonderful person, and they like you back. You spend time getting to know them and you catch the love. then bam! they turn into psycho bunny boilers. it's best to head for the hills and change your name in this case.
Secondly there is the "oh I've changed my mind, i actually love someone else". This has only happened to me twice, and it comes with the mother of all mindfucks. you see you can't forget them, ever. they stay in your heart, and as much as they hurt you, you still love them and always will. the bitches.
Next of course are the ones you come to realise you love as a friend and nothing more. this comes with unique difficulties. You care about this person, they have become your best friend...you just don't want to be their boyfriend. how can you break your best friends' heart? if you're lucky, and i mean really fucking lucky, then you can let them down gently. I'm not lucky, i have the unfortunate rep of being a twat. I'd like to think I'm not, I'm just crap at doing things the right way.
The last type, is a killer. one i know all too well. unrequited love. you meet someone, someone who dazzles you. just knowing they exist makes your life better. you get lost in their eyes, their smile is all you need to survive. everything about them, mind body and soul, calls out to you. pulls you in. traps you.
the bitch of the situation is that the object of your love barely sees you as a man. you're a vague acquaintance, a friend or worse. and yet you know what you should do. you should take them in your arms, make their dreams come true. show them just how special they are, and with every part of your being you want to make them happy. make them smile, rock their world like they rocked yours.
you have 2 choices here, make a move or say nothing. now i firmly believe that nothing ventured is nothing gained, but i also know myself. so i choose to do nothing. i know in my heart that they wouldn't be happy with me, and their happiness is my only purpose in life. so i step back, do nothing. i be their friend, support them and try to bring happiness to their life.....just to watch them......just to watch her look for love elsewhere. you sacrifice it all for them. your own happiness, your own soul, and even though you start dying inside you smile. you know she is worth it, you can rest in peace seeing her happy.
i have had the pleasure and misfortune to experience all forms of love except the one we are all looking for. pure, all consuming true love. maybe I'll never find it, maybe i had it and fucked it up. maybe the all consuming love from afar is as close as I'll get. so she never knows that she owns me, so what? that's not the point of love. the point of love is to feel it, to give all you love selflessly.
then again there's a lot to be said about a long slow snog and a cuddle ;)
First we have the hidden nutjob. For some reason this keeps happening to me. You meet a wonderful person, and they like you back. You spend time getting to know them and you catch the love. then bam! they turn into psycho bunny boilers. it's best to head for the hills and change your name in this case.
Secondly there is the "oh I've changed my mind, i actually love someone else". This has only happened to me twice, and it comes with the mother of all mindfucks. you see you can't forget them, ever. they stay in your heart, and as much as they hurt you, you still love them and always will. the bitches.
Next of course are the ones you come to realise you love as a friend and nothing more. this comes with unique difficulties. You care about this person, they have become your best friend...you just don't want to be their boyfriend. how can you break your best friends' heart? if you're lucky, and i mean really fucking lucky, then you can let them down gently. I'm not lucky, i have the unfortunate rep of being a twat. I'd like to think I'm not, I'm just crap at doing things the right way.
The last type, is a killer. one i know all too well. unrequited love. you meet someone, someone who dazzles you. just knowing they exist makes your life better. you get lost in their eyes, their smile is all you need to survive. everything about them, mind body and soul, calls out to you. pulls you in. traps you.
the bitch of the situation is that the object of your love barely sees you as a man. you're a vague acquaintance, a friend or worse. and yet you know what you should do. you should take them in your arms, make their dreams come true. show them just how special they are, and with every part of your being you want to make them happy. make them smile, rock their world like they rocked yours.
you have 2 choices here, make a move or say nothing. now i firmly believe that nothing ventured is nothing gained, but i also know myself. so i choose to do nothing. i know in my heart that they wouldn't be happy with me, and their happiness is my only purpose in life. so i step back, do nothing. i be their friend, support them and try to bring happiness to their life.....just to watch them......just to watch her look for love elsewhere. you sacrifice it all for them. your own happiness, your own soul, and even though you start dying inside you smile. you know she is worth it, you can rest in peace seeing her happy.
i have had the pleasure and misfortune to experience all forms of love except the one we are all looking for. pure, all consuming true love. maybe I'll never find it, maybe i had it and fucked it up. maybe the all consuming love from afar is as close as I'll get. so she never knows that she owns me, so what? that's not the point of love. the point of love is to feel it, to give all you love selflessly.
then again there's a lot to be said about a long slow snog and a cuddle ;)
Monday, 30 August 2010
Not the Dada
A few years ago I had a rater lovely, and naughty, weekend with a rather lovely lady friend. For various reasons, some beyond my control and some just plainly my own fault, we parted ways for 3 years.
I was pleasantly surprised to get back in contact with her. Her life is going well, 2 kids and back on track with her hubby. Her kids are gorgeous and she has big plans for her future, so naturally i was well chuffed for her....then my brain had a spaz attack.
You see it was a touch over3 years ago when i had the pleasure of her affections, and her eldest is nearly 3.....now my maths isn't great and i can be pretty slow at times, but that sounds like a gap resembling pregnancy.
probably now is a good time to say i love kids, my life simply will never be complete till I'm a dad. so naturally it was mental meltdown time. one the one hand, my dreams could have come true. on the other yet another person gets the pleasure while i sit and watch on the sidelines. Now me being me, i start to convince myself that i must be the daddy. i got myself quite upset that she hadn't told me, that i may have missed out on nearly 3 years. i built up the courage and asked.
when i received the answer i wasn't ready for my reaction. i was off the hook, yet i felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest and ripped out my heart. someone had stolen a daughter from me. how does anyone come back from that?
it took me a few hours before the perverted part of my brain got back from it's weekend away. you see the lady in question was on a trial separation from her hubby, and had been for over a month when we nekkid together. as it turns out she was just about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant at the time. my pervert brain put 2 and 2 together and came up with sex. "hang on, we did a pregnant chick? coooooool"
now that's not a thought I'm proud of, but fuck it, it's something to tick off on the list. then pervert brain had another thought "we still get to knock someone up". this thought, as crass as it was delivered, was a much nicer one. i get to fall in love, create a life, and not screw it up.....er well try not to anyway.
i realise now that i still have that dream, that goal, to look forward to. and if I'm really lucky, i might even get paid to eat chocolate one day.
I was pleasantly surprised to get back in contact with her. Her life is going well, 2 kids and back on track with her hubby. Her kids are gorgeous and she has big plans for her future, so naturally i was well chuffed for her....then my brain had a spaz attack.
You see it was a touch over3 years ago when i had the pleasure of her affections, and her eldest is nearly 3.....now my maths isn't great and i can be pretty slow at times, but that sounds like a gap resembling pregnancy.
probably now is a good time to say i love kids, my life simply will never be complete till I'm a dad. so naturally it was mental meltdown time. one the one hand, my dreams could have come true. on the other yet another person gets the pleasure while i sit and watch on the sidelines. Now me being me, i start to convince myself that i must be the daddy. i got myself quite upset that she hadn't told me, that i may have missed out on nearly 3 years. i built up the courage and asked.
when i received the answer i wasn't ready for my reaction. i was off the hook, yet i felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest and ripped out my heart. someone had stolen a daughter from me. how does anyone come back from that?
it took me a few hours before the perverted part of my brain got back from it's weekend away. you see the lady in question was on a trial separation from her hubby, and had been for over a month when we nekkid together. as it turns out she was just about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant at the time. my pervert brain put 2 and 2 together and came up with sex. "hang on, we did a pregnant chick? coooooool"
now that's not a thought I'm proud of, but fuck it, it's something to tick off on the list. then pervert brain had another thought "we still get to knock someone up". this thought, as crass as it was delivered, was a much nicer one. i get to fall in love, create a life, and not screw it up.....er well try not to anyway.
i realise now that i still have that dream, that goal, to look forward to. and if I'm really lucky, i might even get paid to eat chocolate one day.
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
The big Wait
So another year down, and boy has stuff been happening. I find myself at Almighty D's place yet again. Which is cool. I find myself looking back and wondering what the hell happened in 2009.
Well for one I have been writing a screenplay with Mom. It's been.....interesting. The story is great, or at least I think so, but what has been particularly interesting is our different working methods. Lets just say we clash, badly, but somehow what comes out of the mess still makes me laugh. So hopefully other people will like it as much as I do and make it for TV.
And then in summer I started painting, well spraypainting. And people keep asking me to paint pictures for them so they must like my work. All I know is I like doing it. I even had interest from a small art gallery....fuck me sideways with a platypus lol
Then I go and meet an American online, a female American. A gorgeous, funny and intelligent female American. I was DJ'ing for a web radio station and she fell for my voice, and no it had nothing to do with bad breath. My name is Midnite and I'm addicted to mints. Anyway after my uncontrollable flirting kicked in, it turns out she likes more than my voice. RESULT!
Almighty D woke me up ridiculously early one morning, mamma D had passed away after a long illness. Mamma D was an incredible woman. She was a good friend to me, an unbelievably generous soul and she scared the shit out of me. A hard time was had by all, and pulled us all closer together, which I like to think is what she would have wanted. There is a group of us fellas (Almighty D, myself, Big M, Mick the sailor man and comrade Mike)and we were her boys. Brothers by bond, not blood. Mamma D did that, forged life-long bonds between people. She will be missed.
Christmas passed with little even....other than a dawn assault by the fluffy rain paratroopers. Managed to get out of the obligatory visit to the olds thanks to flu contracted at Almighty D's household. That guy always gives the best presents.
So now I am here again, in internetland, a year on. Less than 36 hours till a gorgeous female American arrives, and I'm getting fookin nervous. I usually do the first time I'm with someone, but usually only when it comes to the peeling off of clothes. This time is different. This is major.
I love her, I love my renewed interest in art, I love creating and I love what the future might hold. Now I know that she is going to read this, she asked me for the linkage as I'm typing. What can I say to her on my ramble spot from my darkest recesses? I love you, Almighty D wants your candy and my foot has gone to sleep.
2010 is looking bloody good
Well for one I have been writing a screenplay with Mom. It's been.....interesting. The story is great, or at least I think so, but what has been particularly interesting is our different working methods. Lets just say we clash, badly, but somehow what comes out of the mess still makes me laugh. So hopefully other people will like it as much as I do and make it for TV.
And then in summer I started painting, well spraypainting. And people keep asking me to paint pictures for them so they must like my work. All I know is I like doing it. I even had interest from a small art gallery....fuck me sideways with a platypus lol
Then I go and meet an American online, a female American. A gorgeous, funny and intelligent female American. I was DJ'ing for a web radio station and she fell for my voice, and no it had nothing to do with bad breath. My name is Midnite and I'm addicted to mints. Anyway after my uncontrollable flirting kicked in, it turns out she likes more than my voice. RESULT!
Almighty D woke me up ridiculously early one morning, mamma D had passed away after a long illness. Mamma D was an incredible woman. She was a good friend to me, an unbelievably generous soul and she scared the shit out of me. A hard time was had by all, and pulled us all closer together, which I like to think is what she would have wanted. There is a group of us fellas (Almighty D, myself, Big M, Mick the sailor man and comrade Mike)and we were her boys. Brothers by bond, not blood. Mamma D did that, forged life-long bonds between people. She will be missed.
Christmas passed with little even....other than a dawn assault by the fluffy rain paratroopers. Managed to get out of the obligatory visit to the olds thanks to flu contracted at Almighty D's household. That guy always gives the best presents.
So now I am here again, in internetland, a year on. Less than 36 hours till a gorgeous female American arrives, and I'm getting fookin nervous. I usually do the first time I'm with someone, but usually only when it comes to the peeling off of clothes. This time is different. This is major.
I love her, I love my renewed interest in art, I love creating and I love what the future might hold. Now I know that she is going to read this, she asked me for the linkage as I'm typing. What can I say to her on my ramble spot from my darkest recesses? I love you, Almighty D wants your candy and my foot has gone to sleep.
2010 is looking bloody good
Sunday, 28 December 2008
Ring Ring
An odd phone call was received at Casa Midnite today. The caller was my Grandmother. This usually entails minor dramas all about her, but not today. Today she was actually concerned about her daughter and grandson. Immediately I knew something was up.
Every year I am dragged to the wrinklies place for Christmas, and every year I wonder if cutting off my own arm with a rusty spoon will get me out of it. Now my Gran is a pain, but she is generally a pretty good gran. The old fella however is an arsehole. With a temper verging on psychopathic, delusional paranoia and a very outdated view of the world (he still thinks the Queen rules America).
Getting back to the phone call, it went something like this.
How are you? Feeling any better? They say this flu is a bad one. Your grandfather had a stroke. Are you drinking plenty? Remember to keep warm.
It was dropped into the conversation like a casual "it's raining here" piece of information, but the story unfolds. You see my lovely grandfather has verbally, mentally and physically abused my rather tiny gran for just about 60 years. So you would expect her to be happy about this, but she couldn't give a crap either way as far as I could tell.
Naturally I enquired as to the Doctors' prognosis. He hasn't seen one. Three days and no Doc. Why I hear you ask? Because he thought all the doctors were off for Christmas and she didn't correct him. Now to an outsider this might sound cold and heartless, but you have to understand that he is always right. If you correct him on anything, from the meaning of life to how many toes a koala bear has, he goes into a blind rage...which incidentally is what cause the stroke. So bad is his temper that he has been warned and cautioned by the police after he forced his way into another old couples' flat, to scream and shout at them about something he was completely wrong about, and has put himself in danger of eviction.
So my grandfather had a stroke for Christmas, a great present for the whole family.
A while ago, after the old tosser had pissed me off, I started thinking about family. They say you can't choose yours. I say that's bullshit. Just because he's my grandfather doesn't make him family. Almighty D is not biologically related to me, but he is my brother from another mother and I love him. I have collected a few people like Almighty D into my new model family over the years, and I am honoured to know them all. I don't always get on with them, that's what being a family is about, but they all make me happy and a better person.
So why not think of your own family, your new model family. Your true family. It's good to love your brothers and sisters, even if the law and biology says they're not.
Every year I am dragged to the wrinklies place for Christmas, and every year I wonder if cutting off my own arm with a rusty spoon will get me out of it. Now my Gran is a pain, but she is generally a pretty good gran. The old fella however is an arsehole. With a temper verging on psychopathic, delusional paranoia and a very outdated view of the world (he still thinks the Queen rules America).
Getting back to the phone call, it went something like this.
How are you? Feeling any better? They say this flu is a bad one. Your grandfather had a stroke. Are you drinking plenty? Remember to keep warm.
It was dropped into the conversation like a casual "it's raining here" piece of information, but the story unfolds. You see my lovely grandfather has verbally, mentally and physically abused my rather tiny gran for just about 60 years. So you would expect her to be happy about this, but she couldn't give a crap either way as far as I could tell.
Naturally I enquired as to the Doctors' prognosis. He hasn't seen one. Three days and no Doc. Why I hear you ask? Because he thought all the doctors were off for Christmas and she didn't correct him. Now to an outsider this might sound cold and heartless, but you have to understand that he is always right. If you correct him on anything, from the meaning of life to how many toes a koala bear has, he goes into a blind rage...which incidentally is what cause the stroke. So bad is his temper that he has been warned and cautioned by the police after he forced his way into another old couples' flat, to scream and shout at them about something he was completely wrong about, and has put himself in danger of eviction.
So my grandfather had a stroke for Christmas, a great present for the whole family.
A while ago, after the old tosser had pissed me off, I started thinking about family. They say you can't choose yours. I say that's bullshit. Just because he's my grandfather doesn't make him family. Almighty D is not biologically related to me, but he is my brother from another mother and I love him. I have collected a few people like Almighty D into my new model family over the years, and I am honoured to know them all. I don't always get on with them, that's what being a family is about, but they all make me happy and a better person.
So why not think of your own family, your new model family. Your true family. It's good to love your brothers and sisters, even if the law and biology says they're not.
Thursday, 25 December 2008
Rebellion!!!
This year I have had enough.
Enough commercial exploitation.
Enough false cheer....and most of all
Enough of Christianity.
We are blasted with adverts encouraging us to spend more money than we have at Christmas. Why? To keep rich businessmen and women in gainful employment.
We are expected to smile and give a jolly "Merry Christmas" to all. Not to do so is so unthinkable you would be shunned and ridiculed for all time
Sorry I don't like you, so fuck off and die.
And worst of all, the whole concept of Christmas was invented by the Christians to convince Pagans that they were Christian. You see Pagans always celebrated the winter solstice, which marked both the shortest night of winter but also the end of the year...no religion involved. Then along came the Christian conversion machine and decided that Pagans should be Christian, mostly by convincing them that they already were. One of the Christian methods was to adopt a ritual or holiday, claim it was Christian and make up a history to back up this claim. Now I'm not debating the birth of Christ, but before the mass conversion of Europe, His birth was generally celebrated between mid October and early November.
I say dump the commercial X-mas and take back the winter solstice. Celebrate the end of a year with people you genuinely care about. Instead of gifts, give those special to you a hug. Give thanks to God, Allah, Obi-wan Kenobi...or who-ever, that the year hasn't been that bad and winter is almost over.
Rise up and take back winter, celebrate JCs' birthday actually on his birthday. We didn't hijack the holiday, but continuing it isn't right either.
Happy solstice to all and may next year be better to you than this year was.
Enough commercial exploitation.
Enough false cheer....and most of all
Enough of Christianity.
We are blasted with adverts encouraging us to spend more money than we have at Christmas. Why? To keep rich businessmen and women in gainful employment.
We are expected to smile and give a jolly "Merry Christmas" to all. Not to do so is so unthinkable you would be shunned and ridiculed for all time
Sorry I don't like you, so fuck off and die.
And worst of all, the whole concept of Christmas was invented by the Christians to convince Pagans that they were Christian. You see Pagans always celebrated the winter solstice, which marked both the shortest night of winter but also the end of the year...no religion involved. Then along came the Christian conversion machine and decided that Pagans should be Christian, mostly by convincing them that they already were. One of the Christian methods was to adopt a ritual or holiday, claim it was Christian and make up a history to back up this claim. Now I'm not debating the birth of Christ, but before the mass conversion of Europe, His birth was generally celebrated between mid October and early November.
I say dump the commercial X-mas and take back the winter solstice. Celebrate the end of a year with people you genuinely care about. Instead of gifts, give those special to you a hug. Give thanks to God, Allah, Obi-wan Kenobi...or who-ever, that the year hasn't been that bad and winter is almost over.
Rise up and take back winter, celebrate JCs' birthday actually on his birthday. We didn't hijack the holiday, but continuing it isn't right either.
Happy solstice to all and may next year be better to you than this year was.
Monday, 15 December 2008
what the hell?
Something rather odd occurred to me today. I decided, for the first time in ages, to have a look at a certain website for old school friends to reconnect. At first all seemed normal. Then a pattern emerged. Pretty much everyone, or at least everyone on the website, that I went to school with is married with kids. Now I'm quite comfortable with the fact that I am fast approaching 30, but I still consider that young and reckless. 30 is no age to be settled down and sensible. What happened to living life first?
Then I noticed something else, something a bit more personal. More specifically my exs.
One is married, another is engaged. OK, fair enough. Good for them. One has turned lesbian and has set up home with her life partner. What the fuck? While this isn't actually a big deal, and I'm very happy for her....this doesn't do a guys' ego much good.
Now I may be clutching at straws, but I immediately think of the film Good Luck Chuck. For those not familiar with this movie, it's about a guy who is cursed so that any woman he sleeps with will immediately meet the person of their dreams (not Chuck). Soon women start to take advantage of this odd dating service, and Chuck does his bit for woman kind.
Now obviously to believe something similar is happening to me is delusional. But hey, I'm young-ish, carefree-ish and if I want to delude myself then why not?
Then again there's a lot to be said for pratting about and "wasting" your life doing fun and meaningless things.
p.s. if you have more hair on your back than most people have on their heads, then sorry I can't help you.
Then I noticed something else, something a bit more personal. More specifically my exs.
One is married, another is engaged. OK, fair enough. Good for them. One has turned lesbian and has set up home with her life partner. What the fuck? While this isn't actually a big deal, and I'm very happy for her....this doesn't do a guys' ego much good.
Now I may be clutching at straws, but I immediately think of the film Good Luck Chuck. For those not familiar with this movie, it's about a guy who is cursed so that any woman he sleeps with will immediately meet the person of their dreams (not Chuck). Soon women start to take advantage of this odd dating service, and Chuck does his bit for woman kind.
Now obviously to believe something similar is happening to me is delusional. But hey, I'm young-ish, carefree-ish and if I want to delude myself then why not?
Then again there's a lot to be said for pratting about and "wasting" your life doing fun and meaningless things.
p.s. if you have more hair on your back than most people have on their heads, then sorry I can't help you.
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